Godparents?!

So my friend Tom asked C i n d y and I to be his daughter's godparents. I know what you're thinking:

Whoa, whoa, Hank... You a godfather?

...to which I reply,

What the hell do you mean by that?

But yeah. I reminded him that we were both Atheists, or at least we were an Atheist and at best an Agnostic, and was he sure, yadda yadda. He questioned my Agnosticism, calling me basically a closet God-Believer. The nerve.

In the end, we told him that if he understood our views on religion and still wanted us to do this, that sure, we'd do it. I warned him that when the priest was shaking the holy water and some got on me I might be tempted to scream in agony just for the humor value, but he was non-plussed. I warned him that he'd be asking us to lie, because I'm quite sure that the priest would ask us if we accepted Christ as our savior, etc, but he reminded us that since this ceremony would be taking place in Mexico, the priest would be speaking in Spanish, and thus we could just pretend we didn't understand and answer "si" [1] to everything. Well okay.

So after we cleared our schedule and took out a small-term loan to pay for all the god parent stuff (did I mention that as Catholic godparents, at least in Mexico, we were supposed to pay for the christening dress, the candle, the holy water, the sterling silver cup that held the holy water, and the child's first year college tuition? No? Well it's (mostly) true, but Tom knows we're cheap bastards and wasn't requiring us to actually do all of that), we get word from Tom that The Church has spoken and in fact we won't be allowed to be god parents after all.

Why? Well, first of all, godparents have to take a course in the church before they can be god parents... you know, sort of like they demand that potential bride and grooms must take classes prior to their wedding.

That's crap. Are you telling me that Don Corleone took these classes? I think not.

But whatever. Tom bribed the church so we didn't have to take these classes. Oh... he doesn't call it a bribe, but "for a small donation you don't have to take the course".

Yup. Bribe. Sort of like back in the middle ages when this same Church would guarantee you a first-class ticket to heaven for the right "donation"... (cf: indulgences)

Well, apparently it didn't work. The church asked Tom for a copy of our baptism and confirmation records. Believe it or not, dear reader(s), I actually was baptized, and actually did get confirmed, albeit in the Lutheran church. Cindy, of course, has not undergone either rite and thus will burn in a river of sulfur for all eternity. When Tom told them this, they realized that we weren't even Catholic, and told Tom to search for new, less godless, god parents.

As Tom says and will blog about shortly, clearly we need a Vatican III. I mean come on; on the one hand, I can understand the Church wanting it's baptized flock raised as Catholics by potential god parents, but can they really be this choosy in today's era? Isn't it enough if the said god parents agree to raise them as Catholics even if they themselves are not? Why quibble over such matters when the eternal soul of Tom's daughter is at stake, for after all she now sits unbaptized and thus vulnerable to Satan while he frantically searches for a new set of married people who the Catholic church will give their official "okey dokey" to.

It's maddening.

I'm wondering what would have happened, furthermore, if we did pass the first hurdle: would we have had to be interviewed and asked how we stood viz-a-vis stem cell research, transubstantiation, capital punishment, and abortion? Would they have asked us who we would have voted for Pope this last time? Would they have demanded our opinions on John Kerry and asked to see our ticket stubs proving we'd seen "The Passion Of The Christ"?

Where would have it ended?

Meanwhile, an innocent little girl has a dry forehead while The Church twiddles its thumbs...

[1] Spanish for "yes"