Eleven Months

Not a single day, and if being honest usually not a single hour, goes by without me thinking to myself fleetingly, “maybe I can get her back somehow.”

Not a single day, and usually not a single hour, passes without me wishing that I could have been the one-in-a-million person that could have prevented all of this, somehow. At the same time, however, I remind myself and Cindy reminds me that no one could have and that I did all I could and then some.

Not a single day, and rarely a single hour, elapses without me not wondering how I can possibly live the rest of my life out without her. It seems a gargantuan task, and I feel lost and afraid and devastated and angry and despondent when I think about the possible years that stretch out ahead of me, a future that with each day becomes the now, the present, in this new reality without Adrianna.

And still tomorrow remains, a point in the future that continually moves me further away from her and into that uncharted timeframe where she’s still not there.

But I move forward, anyway, because I don’t really have a choice. I move forward in time, at least, but for now that seems to be the only forward progress that I’m experiencing.

And I know that as I struggle to move forward and take up residence in a future without her, others are struggling this way as well. That doesn’t give me solace, of course, but makes it worse.

I wonder how the boys’ psyches are handling all of this. I try to talk to them occasionally about it, about her, about their mother, but I don’t think they really want to. They definitely never come to me on their own about any of this. I don’t want to upset them, but I also don’t want them to bury and ignore any feelings of loss they may have. I want them to process all of this in the manner that’s the easiest for them and best fits their personality, but I also don’t want them to think they can’t talk to me about any of it. It’s a catch-22: do I talk to them about her and risk upsetting them, or do I not talk to them about her and risk making them feel all alone?

Not a single day or hour goes by without me worrying about the boys’ present and future without their mother in their lives.

Not a single day, not a single hour, not a single moment passes without it taking all the willpower and self-restraint I have not to scream out loud.

But also, not a single day goes by without me being thankful for all the support I’ve received from friends and family, but most of all Cindy.

It’s been eleven months today.