The Thanksgiving That Almost Wasn't

Bert had had enough. He was damned if he was going to sit at the kids table again this Thanksgiving. It was okay for a few years, but dammit, he was 52 now. Enough was enough. He could barely get his knees under the wobbly card table while sitting, for one thing. He also was a bit sick and tired of eating his meal off a Batman(tm) plate... a George Clooney Batman plate at that! And no matter what his sister Fran said, he was pretty damned sure that it was Kool-Aid(r) and not a "fine Cabernet sauvignon" that he was being served, either. You didn't serve "fine Cabernet sauvignon" out of a sippy cup. He wasn't that dumb.

So Bert came prepared this time. Oh yes... he was prepared. He'd boned up on his Thanksgiving trivia. He'd been hitting the elliptical machine for months and taking a multivitamin every day. He'd been practicing various cooking skills and honed his knife technique until he was able to finally mince an onion in under two minutes.

Oh yes, he was ready.

However, Fran through him a curve ball, and the first round consisted of making a soup out of three randomly picked ingredients. Bert got a can of anchovies, a packet of fast-rising yeast, and a frozen Fudgesicle(tm).

He did not shine.

The next round found him battling Jimmy for the wishbone. It wasn't fair. Sure, Jimmy was only 9, but he was spry, and had surprisingly strong, if pudgy, fingers, with a grip that could kill a cat. That, combined with the fact that Bert still had melted Fudgesicle stuff on his fingers pretty much sealed his fate. With a quick snap Jimmy triumphantly held up his much larger piece of wishbone. It took all the restraint Bert had not to shove the small sliver of bone remaining in his fingers down Jimmy's smug little throat, but somehow he prevailed.

So that left trivia. He was ready for this. He anxiously took the piece of paper with the questions on it and began.

"Which two teams traditionally played each other the Saturday after Thanksgiving in what is still one of the biggest rivalries in college football?"

Bert smiled. He knew this one. Army vs Air Force he wrote confidently.

"Which two pro football teams have traditionally played a Thanksgiving game?"

Who does Fran think she's playing with? Bert thought to himself, scribbling down the obviously correct answer, Detroit Lions and The Washington Redskins. The hours of studying were clearly paying off.

The last question was, "What was the name of the ship that carried the pilgrims to the New World?"

Damn. Bert new it was either The Nina, The Pinta, or The Santa Maria, but he couldn't remember which. Dammit. Wait. The Nina. Yes. It was The Nina, which Bert hurriedly scrawled into the last answer blank before handing the paper back to Fran, feeling absolutely sure that this year he'd be at the adult's table for dinner.

Later during the drive home, while Bert was trying to figure out where it all went wrong, he suddenly had an epiphany: Next year, he'd spend the holiday at Luby's.