Extra Large Huge Sizes

Note: Hank is currently on vacation and/or testifying before a grand jury. The following originally appeared October 19, 1999, in a simpler time.

Okay, so now I'm bothered by those misleading descriptive words for the various strengths/sizes/etc of products. Case in point, coffee at Starbuck's:

You can't just order a "small, medium, or large" cafe latte... heaven's no, that would make too much sense. Instead, you have to select from a "grande, tall, or mega" cup of java. This also occurs at various fast food joints as well... there's no "small Dr. Pepper," there's only "regular, large, and Super Size". What's wrong with calling a "small" well.... small?!

You should know by the description what size you're getting. Why must I remember that a "grande latte" is really small, and that a "tall cappuccino" is really medium? This is dumb and aggravating, like we the consumer will somehow be duped into believing that we've purchased more of a product because it's not labeled as "small."

I'm surprised they just don't go all the way and call the three sizes "super duper large, Extra Mega Huge, and Incredibly Colossal" and be done with it. This would make as much sense as what they do now.

And if you think my example is way over the top, think again. I saw at the grocery store the other day various types of Rave hairspray, each with a name that described the amount of "hold" it provided. They ranged from:

Super Hold, Mega Hold, Ultra Hold.

Now, what the hell does that mean?! "Super Hold" provided the least amount of hold, Ultra the most. But why call them that? To me, "super hold" implies a great deal of hold indeed. And why should I have to try to figure out which has the greater hold, Mega or Ultra? I mean, is it a given that Mega is more than Ultra? Did I miss this memo?

I would have purchased this hairspray product, but it required the use of the grocery store CARD. And if I didn't make it clear in my last entry, I'm boycotting the use of such CARDS.

Unless, of course, they come out with Large, Gigantic, and Humongous sizes for THE CARD. Then, I may rethink my stance...