Cry
More than three months out and I still find myself crying daily. I assume that’s normal and not a bad thing, but I’m not a fan. What starts it isn’t always some trigger (a song, a picture, a video, a line in a TV show or movie, an offhand comment made, etc.,) though of course it often is.
No, sometimes I just suddenly remember what the reality is, as if I’d somehow forgotten for a bit what had happened. These sudden reminders are not asked for and come out of the blue, and when they do there are tears.
Again, all perfectly normal, I assume.
No, sometimes I just suddenly remember what the reality is, as if I’d somehow forgotten for a bit what had happened. These sudden reminders are not asked for and come out of the blue, and when they do there are tears.
Again, all perfectly normal, I assume.
The sadness is brought about by a myriad of things or reasons, and if I’m somehow able to wrap my head around one of them, another rears its ugly head like a mutli-headed hydra (is there any other kind? Must research). Here are the reasons, the ideas, the realities that cause me such despair that the tears flow (“…. the Policeman Said.” H/T Philip K. Dick) in no particular order:
1. I cry because I miss her so
2. I cry when I think of what the boys are going through.
3. I cry imagining what the boys went through that morning.
4. I cry for the hardships my daughter had to face daily.
5. I cry because at times I think I failed my ONE JOB as a parent, to take care of my child and make sure she was safe and healthy and okay.
6. I cry because I see a future emptier without her and am afraid to face it.
7. I cry because I’m 13 years older than Cindy and fear that now there will be no one to take care of her when she’s older. Adri had promised me she’d look out for her for me.
8. I cry when I realize we’ll never be able to do X for her or take her to see Y or give her Z
9. I cry thinking about how she’ll never see her boys grow up to be adults.
10. I cry for her mother. I cry for Stephen. I cry for her grandparents. I cry for her friends.
11. I cry for myself.
12. I cry imagining what she went through that morning, hoping that it was painless, hoping that she didn’t feel alone, hoping that she saw some piece, but not knowing and crying some more.
13. I cry when I think of how Kathy and Elaine and Alisha and countless others felt and still feel.
14. I cry for time lost with her these last five years.
15. I cry for the future memories promised that will never be made.
I know this all has to come out to survive and go on, but if this was a reality show I’d vote these feelings off the island in a heartbeat. They are the weakest link. They weren’t posed in the from of a question, and they have been eliminated from the Amazing Race.
If only.
2. I cry when I think of what the boys are going through.
3. I cry imagining what the boys went through that morning.
4. I cry for the hardships my daughter had to face daily.
5. I cry because at times I think I failed my ONE JOB as a parent, to take care of my child and make sure she was safe and healthy and okay.
6. I cry because I see a future emptier without her and am afraid to face it.
7. I cry because I’m 13 years older than Cindy and fear that now there will be no one to take care of her when she’s older. Adri had promised me she’d look out for her for me.
8. I cry when I realize we’ll never be able to do X for her or take her to see Y or give her Z
9. I cry thinking about how she’ll never see her boys grow up to be adults.
10. I cry for her mother. I cry for Stephen. I cry for her grandparents. I cry for her friends.
11. I cry for myself.
12. I cry imagining what she went through that morning, hoping that it was painless, hoping that she didn’t feel alone, hoping that she saw some piece, but not knowing and crying some more.
13. I cry when I think of how Kathy and Elaine and Alisha and countless others felt and still feel.
14. I cry for time lost with her these last five years.
15. I cry for the future memories promised that will never be made.
I know this all has to come out to survive and go on, but if this was a reality show I’d vote these feelings off the island in a heartbeat. They are the weakest link. They weren’t posed in the from of a question, and they have been eliminated from the Amazing Race.
If only.
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