C:\> Wednesday, March 17, 2010

In Which Hank Takes Advantage Of The Remaining Vestiges Of Fever And/Or Tamiflu(tm) Side Effects

See subject.

Yeah, I think the fever is breaking, but just a bit. I still feel a bit loopy. Or I should say more so than usual. At least my synapses are more quiet at night... at the beginning of this fun-filled H1N1 week I really couldn't sleep, because my dreams would be filled with the same fever-induced mind-numbing repetitive Kafkaesque (hey, that's a word?) images which are hard for me to describe "sober": basically, dark, black & white imagery of a repetitive nature where somehow I lose sense of the size of my physical self. I feel either incredibly large, or incredibly, small, either folding within myself or folding out to infinity. In a bad way... but that's a given. Usually, at some point, I force myself to awaken, get up, attempt to dry my sweat-soaked hair and pillow, and turn on some light in order to break the dystopian-like state of my nightmare. That sort of describes it... but not really. Throw in a bit of "Eraser Head" meets Lars Von Trier put on a constantly repeating 20 second video loop that appears in your head every time you close your eyes, and we get a bit closer.

But enough about me.

How are you doing?

I've always been a retrospective person, almost to a fault, and this last year more so than usual. I think the death of my grandfather was a big impetus, but again, I'm wired to look backward, anyway. Still, his passing, thinking about his life where it intersected with mine, and the fact that there would be no common nodes ever again going outward to the future really made me realize that you can't hold on to time. He was the anchor that let me believe for a while that you could, but with that gone all bets were off, or rather the obvious had to be accepted. There is a before, there is a now, and there is a later. When I was young I focused too much on the "later"; most of my adult life I've focused on the "before". Someday, pretty damned soon before it's too late, I need to focus on the "now". But those of you who know me well know that I'm a broken record in this regard. I'm introspective enough (probably, again, to a fault) to know this is my problem, but either too lazy or to dumb to do anything about it, other than, of course, harp on this and complain about it. But to actually change my outlook/thinking?

Nah. That would be too easy. Or too hard? I don't know which it is, and that's not just the Tamiflu(tm) talking.

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