C:\> Saturday, July 26, 2025

How Do People Do This?

This is so incredibly hard. Every time I think it's starting to get a bit easier, I'm reminded that it's not. How do people do this? I have limited real-life resources of those who've had to endure this, and they help, and family and friends help, but really: how do people do this?

I do mental gymnastics and try to focus on anything I can find that's good. I try to call forth and bring to life moments of her life mainly for myself but also so a part of her lives on for everyone.

That unsourceable, unverifiable, and probable apocryphal quote often contributed to Hemingway about everyone having two deaths, the final one being the last time someone says your name, is always in my head. So that's part of it, my struggle to keep her alive somehow. But those memories, as well as seemingly random unrelated triggers in music, movies, TV, literature and conversations will bring on a huge wave of sadness and despair.

So what are my options? To try to not think about her? But even if I could "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" her away from my memories, that would come at a cost of losing her forever. I'd never give away my memories of her and her life in exchange for a pain-free future if that future didn't include her in some form.

I assume it gets better at some point. Logic tells me this, as well as personal experiences of those who try to provide me some comfort. And sometimes it does seem to be getting better. A major moment in what I had hoped was a permanent movement forward was when I learned of the positive real-world effects Adri's organ donations have made. And it is a bit better when I think of that. But still, the waves return, just as strong and just as painful if *perhaps* a bit less frequent, and I have to subject family, friends, and social media to all of this in my (seemingly) futile attempt to quell the darkness.


So again: how do people do this? 

0 comments: