Cashier Chaos, or HOW DARE YOU

Anthony loved working the registers, even if Rickie, the diminutive cashier from Guam, was shifted up there with him. Sure, Rickie needed many smoke breaks and had to get at least three refills from the coffee shop per shift, but it was a three hour shift after all ("A Three Hour Shift", Anthony sang to himself to the tune of the Theme from "Gilligan's Island". Anthony was nothing if not musically literate).

"If god had meant us to go more than three hours without coffee, we'd have been born with a coffee spigot on our forehead", Rickie always said between gulps of coffee, purposely using the lower-case 'g' just to piss off the one or two religiously devout people who still worked at the book store. No one knew how he could imply a lower-case 'g' orally, but somehow that damn Guamite succeeded.

Anthony would put up with Rickie's disappearances, because working the registers was a welcome respite from some of the other tasks. Anthony was basking in the glow of the Rickie-less checkout area, full of good cheer thinking of the mental image of a coffee urn growing out of Rickie's head spurting hot java goodness everywhere, when a customer had the audacity to interrupt his revelry with a question:

"Yes, I have a book on hold."

He looked, but couldn't see the source of the query.

"Excuse me, hello? Do you have my book?"

Anthony finally saw her, a little old woman even shorter than Rickie (though with no coffee urn growing out of her head), furtively waving her little hand.

"Yes, and what is your name?", Anthony asked.

"Mrs. Fergason"

"Ah... we file under first name... what is your first name?" Anthony innocently asked.

"HOW DARE YOU!", the woman crackled.

"I'm sorry?", Anthony parried.

"HOW DARE YOU call me by my first name! How disrespectful!", she went on.

Anthony tried to explain that the held books were usually filed---

"HOW DARE YOU!!!" --- the old lady interrupted.

---so he just needed the first name ---

"HOW DAAAARE YOU!!!"

---to find the book.

"It's Agnes, but I don't see why that's any business of your's!"

So Anthony, armed with this most private of information, went to retrieve her book, looking in the 'A' cabinet.

There was no book for an Agnes there.

He was starting to get an empty feeling in the pit of his stomach.

He quickly went to look under the 'F's, just in case.

The pit in his stomach, however, just got bigger.

Slowly, and with much trepidation, he approached the little old lady.

He cleared his throat.

"Mrs. Fergason, I'm sorry but you're book is not here."

"HOW DAAARRREEE YOU!" she screeched.

Anthony apologized. He offered to try to find another copy of her book. He called a shift leader. Nothing would placate Mrs Fergason (don't call her Agnes). Belinda, the shift leader, offered to look in the back for Mrs Fergason's book, and after a couple more HOW DARE YOUs, she was off on her quest.

Anthony and Mrs. Fergason waited together in what would have to be described as an "uncomfortable silence" that even Rickie's return with coffee cup in hand and scone in mouth couldn't lighten up.

Finally Belinda returned with a book in hand, the same title that Mrs. Fergsan had put on hold.

"Is this the exact same book that you put on hold for me when I telephoned last week?", Agnes asked.

"Well, no", Belinda started ---

"HOW DAAARRRE YOU!!!!"

Working an info shift was beginning to look better and better.