Acts of Kindness
Adrianna didn’t have the easiest of lives, but then maybe no one really does. Still, I think she had more than her fair share of struggle and despair. Much of it was brought on by decisions and choices she made along the way, of course… but not all of it.
I think those who are the happiest are those who feel that they’re in the most control of their lives, that what they do and how they do it matters, that if they “keep their nose clean” as my grandfather used to say they can avoid heartache and despair and stress and disaster. You make your own luck. You are in control of your destiny and fate.
Of course, I doubt anyone thinks that they are in 100% control of their lives, and likewise hopefully no one thinks they have no control at all. It’s where one falls on that continuum that matters, and I think Adrianna definitely felt that she occupied the lower part of that range for most of her life. Much of her behavior and life choices, both good and bad, were probably directed at regaining or maintaining as much of that control as she could.
I’m going to talk more at some point about her personal demons and the life-long struggles she had with these issues, but right now I want to talk about her luck, because I think this also affected how much she felt in control of her life.
She definitely had bad luck, and often anything that could go wrong would go wrong. I understood this and commiserated with her, for my early life felt the same. An important job interview? You have a flat tire. Waiting for an important piece of mail? The sender addressed it incorrectly and you thus miss a deadline. You finally save up to fix the dryer and get it done, and the next day the washer breaks. The only car key you have falls out of your hand, bounces twice on the pavement before falling down a storm drain. That sort of thing. She attracted such events, and there really is little one can do to change such luck other than expect the worst and plan accordingly, and believe me, both of us did this. Anything for a perceived sense of control.
So any random acts of kindness she received were godsends, and they actually happened with some regularity. She felt the angels at such times were looking out for her. That’s the one good thing about living a life that isn’t easy: when good things do happen, they can seem impactful and you really notice and appreciate them.
It happened many times, but one typical example that she shared with me happened at McDonald’s. She’d take the boys there occasionally so they could play in the play area, and if she had enough money, she’d get them something to share. Never for herself, of course, but maybe an ice cream cone or an order of chicken nuggets that she’d cajole the boys to eat after they came down the slide or what have you.
One day an old couple came up to her and told her they’d seen her with the boys many times and wanted to buy them a happy meal. They obviously saw in her someone struggling with life, trying to grab a few nice moments when she could, and wanted to do something. She declined, but they insisted, and she finally accepted.
Other times she’d be at the grocery store buying some staples and come up a bit short and the person behind her would offer to make it good. Once someone left a card on her apartment door saying that they’ve watched her with her boys and that she’s doing a great job. One day when she was short of money for a bill that was due, a piece of paper that was being tousled by the wind in a parking lot finally came to rest at her feet, at which point she noticed it was a $100 bill.
These things didn’t happen that often, but they happened more than you’d expect. I’m so grateful and thankful for every nameless stranger who ever did something kind for her, and we try to play it forward whenever we can. Such little things can make a huge difference in tipping the scales, at least for that day, towards the positive, towards feeling that maybe you’re gaining just a bit more control of your life.
I think those who are the happiest are those who feel that they’re in the most control of their lives, that what they do and how they do it matters, that if they “keep their nose clean” as my grandfather used to say they can avoid heartache and despair and stress and disaster. You make your own luck. You are in control of your destiny and fate.
Of course, I doubt anyone thinks that they are in 100% control of their lives, and likewise hopefully no one thinks they have no control at all. It’s where one falls on that continuum that matters, and I think Adrianna definitely felt that she occupied the lower part of that range for most of her life. Much of her behavior and life choices, both good and bad, were probably directed at regaining or maintaining as much of that control as she could.
I’m going to talk more at some point about her personal demons and the life-long struggles she had with these issues, but right now I want to talk about her luck, because I think this also affected how much she felt in control of her life.
She definitely had bad luck, and often anything that could go wrong would go wrong. I understood this and commiserated with her, for my early life felt the same. An important job interview? You have a flat tire. Waiting for an important piece of mail? The sender addressed it incorrectly and you thus miss a deadline. You finally save up to fix the dryer and get it done, and the next day the washer breaks. The only car key you have falls out of your hand, bounces twice on the pavement before falling down a storm drain. That sort of thing. She attracted such events, and there really is little one can do to change such luck other than expect the worst and plan accordingly, and believe me, both of us did this. Anything for a perceived sense of control.
So any random acts of kindness she received were godsends, and they actually happened with some regularity. She felt the angels at such times were looking out for her. That’s the one good thing about living a life that isn’t easy: when good things do happen, they can seem impactful and you really notice and appreciate them.
It happened many times, but one typical example that she shared with me happened at McDonald’s. She’d take the boys there occasionally so they could play in the play area, and if she had enough money, she’d get them something to share. Never for herself, of course, but maybe an ice cream cone or an order of chicken nuggets that she’d cajole the boys to eat after they came down the slide or what have you.
One day an old couple came up to her and told her they’d seen her with the boys many times and wanted to buy them a happy meal. They obviously saw in her someone struggling with life, trying to grab a few nice moments when she could, and wanted to do something. She declined, but they insisted, and she finally accepted.
Other times she’d be at the grocery store buying some staples and come up a bit short and the person behind her would offer to make it good. Once someone left a card on her apartment door saying that they’ve watched her with her boys and that she’s doing a great job. One day when she was short of money for a bill that was due, a piece of paper that was being tousled by the wind in a parking lot finally came to rest at her feet, at which point she noticed it was a $100 bill.
These things didn’t happen that often, but they happened more than you’d expect. I’m so grateful and thankful for every nameless stranger who ever did something kind for her, and we try to play it forward whenever we can. Such little things can make a huge difference in tipping the scales, at least for that day, towards the positive, towards feeling that maybe you’re gaining just a bit more control of your life.
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